Reflections of a ex porn addict

I'm 32, a father of three and a reasonable husband.

At the age of around 12 I was introduced to the idea of masturbation in the changing rooms at school. In that boys-only world it was discussed and normalised, and then came the porn, a page 3 smuggled in, a magazine, it was the early 90's we hadn't dreamed of the net yet.

The quest of the boys was sexual experience, getting a girl to let you... Or do something to you. Love and romance was kind of involved, but basically it was about experience that made you cool, a man etc.

Also the experience had to be with an attractive girl, it didn't count as much if she was ugly. We hear worries about children being indoctrinated by religion or atheism or politics, but no one seems to care how views on sexuality are indoctrinated.

At 16 I became a disciple of Jesus, I chose to follow him, and whilst I wasn't truly discipled until a fair while later I learnt that sex was a bad thing before marriage, so as a typical Christian teen I drew a line. I put intercourse out of bounds and did everything but. Teen experimentation of alcohol, sex etc. purely harmless..? I was out for what I could get, females were a commodity to be exploited. But also there was an idealism; if I could get that one perfect girl to love me, to want to be with me, then that would make me complete.

So women in two categories, to be used or idolised.

I was growing up, so was the world, but I left the developed world and did a year out in Swaziland and whilst there I managed to find someone who would let me be physical with her, but for the first time it felt abusive, I was convicted that this wasn't good. This was also the first time I ever spent time without being subjected to TV, advertising and media, this may be a coincidence. I stopped masturbating that year.

From Swaziland to bible college, or bridal college, this rarified Christian world, full of judgements and rules (and where I was taught and lead and discipled and dealt with a lot of crap and fell in love with God again). A world where one aim was marriage, and fast, because we needed sex now! After two years I was one of three single guys in my year and the youngest by a decade. I did two things, found Internet porn and grabbed the nearest single girl I could find.

Back into the destructive cycle. I nearly married a girl who I didn't love and didn't respect or treat well, because I had to get married. I was in an accountability group, 3 guys who were like brothers to each other, but who response to masturbation was "don't do it!" Those guys did save me from a horribly bad marriage, and only then did I start a road to freedom.

In that moment of clarity where I ended the relationship and walked away I was given 20:20 vision. I saw the desperation for marriage for what it was, I saw that everyone chasing this was lacking a true sense of self and real relationship with a loving God. I relaxed, I walked away from the porn and the destructive need for a relationship and stopped looking at girls to complete me and answer my questions.

I didn't want sex or a relationship, no longer objectifying women, I thought I was free. But I'd only escaped the symptoms, not diagnosed the cause.

I went 6 months without looking at a girl as anything other than a sister or a friend. And then she walked in, a woman walked in and I couldn't stop my heart beating faster. I was gutted, my celibate, free life was undermined. I was so angry with her, how could she do this to me! I avoided her for 48 hours until I joined a common room conversation and we fell into a deep discussion, at 4am the conversation ended and I was in love. It took a couple of months before she felt the same way, but here I was. Free happy, on my way to marriage and freedom, sorted.

But whilst this was the second best thing that ever happened to me, I was still a mess. Now being stuck at a desk with a PC in a private room, with a sex life opened up and a wonderful wife who couldn't and shouldn't be the answer to all my questions of self I was through the looking glass and scared.

Big questions faced me, what could I achieve? could I provide? would I succeed? Life loomed large as I was ordained as a curate and started work, took on responsibility, had a father diagnosed with cancer and became a dad.

Porn was a constant backdrop, use, repentance, abstinence became a cycle. Telling virtually no one. Once opening up to my wife, being forgiven and then not being able to tell again when I fell back into the cycle.

Then I met a mentor, a great man, who was able to publicly name himself a porn-addict and who lived in a world of accountability. A spiritual father who I opened up to and had some answers. Who pointed me in the direction of answers to my brokenness, in a God who wanted to be my father, a God who was good and a healing that could really work. I applied accountability to my life, if I fell I would be caught.

But the Internet space race meant I found ways round it all. A huge personal disappointment meant I lost the freedom i had found and then plunged back in, I went deeper and worse, nearly lost my marriage.

I moved to become vicar of a new parish, with a baby son and bit off way more than I could chew. I became radical about my faith, lived it rather than talking it. In the course of this we fasted all physical pleasures for a month. I mean everything, we ate the plainest food, watched no screens, read no books, no sex, no games, no nothing. Just God to find pleasure in and verbal intercourse. It was amazing, God was so real, but an exhausting volcano was building towards eruption in my soul, all the inner sickness that lead to me need for and use of porn was on the rack and it needed to be killed or set free.

I arrived at a Christian conference in a different nation. And God undid me, I lay on the floor of a church for hours on end as he healed me. I had been working through issues with my father, walking some very hard yards with a dad who was slowly dying, and then I allowed my heavenly father in, to do heart surgery, to undo the hurts of my adolescence, to free me from the tyranny of the lies that I had been taught:

That women were a commodity,
That I needed to be sexually experienced to have self worth
That the amount my wife made love to me and the variety of it made me a man.
That I needed to succeed for God to like me.
That I God was in a bad mood with me and I needed to hide things from Him.
And many more.

I was free and full of bliss, with accountability and the weaponry to pull apart the bastion of lies that invade a man in our culture, I was free.

My marriage was pure bliss, I was living in heaven.

Then my father died.
This man I loved didn't make it, he let me down, God let me down and suddenly I was the
messed up little boy again, and again The addict went back to his cycle.

I now knew that brain needs an addict to get a bigger hit, so either you need to find a way into harder stuff or to live in a cycle of indulgence and denial. Abstinence makes the brain grow fonder, the serotonin hit more pleasurable, the downer more worth it. The cycle now included openness and repentance, my wife involved. But the cycle was back.

But now two years after my Dad died, I'm free.

One thing didn't do it, a combination did.
1. Women, I embraced female friendship. Sexless brotherly friendships.
2. I read and sought help, went through forgiveness and retrained my eyes not to look at a women in objectification. (Illusions of intimacy by Bodishbaugh)
3. I read an article, Article written by a porn "star", on the horrific abuse that was her daily existence, the tearing of her insides, both physically and emotionally and I couldn't stand to look at abused women as sex objects any more.
4. The lies of the porn industry were exposed by the Holy Spirit, I saw abuse as abuse, rape as rape, objectification as objectification, suddenly this was a justice issue.
5. I got free of guilt, Jesus had taken all my guilt, so I had none. Repentance became about identifying lies and overcoming, there was contrition, but not guilt, the addictscycle was broken.
6. Most importantly I realised I couldn't overcome my addiction, it was Impossible by human effort. I'd just replace one addiction with another. That the gospel of Jesus was not about anything but His work in me. That I could do all things in His strength if I stayed plugged into Him, if I surrendered to His work on my behalf, in Jesus on the cross, in Holy Spirit within and a Dad God who would welcome me to work my crap out on His knee.
7. Also I started to free myself of accountability software, this had helped with the physical addiction, but perpetuated the mental one. Accountability to true friends with no holds barred, who call out the greatness in me and know that Jesus Christ in me is the hope of glory has released me.

How do I know I'm free?
I've walked through, pain, disappointment, tiredness and distance from God and not fallen into my addiction. I've laughed at the idea and been revolted by the exploitation.

And I am free of the weight on my soul.
But I do have a burden, I have two small boys and a tiny daughter and I will fight and die to protect them from having to walk the road their father did.

Dave Hammond is a vicar in Nottingham and can be found on twitter at @DaveSavious

Masturbation; not a 'guy problem'

I am very grateful to the person who wrote this guest blog for me. I would be very interested to know people's reactions. Anyone ever heard a discussion about women masturbating in a Christian context? How do we feel about the regular connection made between Porn and masturbation? How can the church do a better job of acknowledging women's sexualities?

Now over to my guest blogger:

(I make a principle of not editing guest blogs so this is the pure thing)

I remember being at a Christian event once in which people had begun praying out and there was a real sense that God wanted to challenge and free lots of people gathered in that room (two things which very often come hand in hand.) One of the event leaders stood up and began to speak into the microphone, starting 'I really think God wants to speak to a lot of people here about masturbation and pornography'; his next sentence was one that I have never forgotten and one that left a bigger impression on me than most things I have ever heard. 'I'm speaking to you men in the room.' in those eight words this leader had told me that this struggle was gender specific and that as a female, I was both excluded from that struggle, and the solutions he was about to offer.

As a female and someone who has been through, and to an extent is still going through this struggle, I felt in that moment like the only girl in the world who had ever had this issue. It also began a dangerous pattern of secrecy in my struggle; well, if this was a guy-only problem then what the hell was wrong with me? And what would people think of me if they knew?

Since that day I have learnt that that leader's utterance was born out of a very cleverly constructed lie imprinted by the devil in the hearts of as many as will listen. Not only does it make girls who are dealing with issues around porn and masturbation feel ashamed and alone; but it completely normalises the issue for guys.  

When hot pants first appeared on our catwalks and then our high streets, the church was in uproar, but since they have begun to appear on females of every age and every place; we think far less about how to change the nations mind about the importance of modesty and far more about where we can get a pair.

Tenuous link, but the same applies, if men are constantly bombarded with advertisements, programmes and sermons that tell them that, as a man they will masturbate and watch porn, not doing so somehow makes them feel abnormal.

How refreshing would it be to hear a sermon which challenges the very core of this struggle, which tells us that as new creations in Christ, we have been freed from the manipulative grip of lust on our hearts and challenges us to step up and claim that freedom.  

Climate Change – A Christian's Response

When Jen first asked me to write a guest blog on this topic, I have to admit, I felt pretty daunted by the idea.  Never having had much of a head for current affairs or politics in the past, it's only recently that I've sensed God challenging me to change this, to open my eyes, see what's happening in the world and take responsibility for my part in it.

Two of my passions in life are gardening and the great outdoors.  God blesses me abundantly through them, opening my eyes to the beauty and wonder of his creation and giving me unspeakable joy.  However, like many in the Western world, I've been enjoying these things whilst living a cocooned life, secure and comfortable, well off and quite able to shut myself off from the rest of the world.  In Britain, we live in a 'no questions asked' society, where it's quite possible to pretend that news about drought, famine, debt, poverty and freak weather around the world have nothing to do with us.  We demand everything to be quick, cheap and convenient but remain ignorant or apathetic about the havoc that this lifestyle has on the planet and it's poorest communities.

I am currently reading Rosie Boycott's book, 'Our Farm', which charts her and her husband's venture into running a smallholding in Somerset.  As well as an entertaining portrayal of the joys and trials of country life, the book details the devastating effects that supermarkets have had on small towns and rural communities across our country.  Interspersed throughout, are snippets of information about the wider impact of supermarkets culture.  The quest for cheaper and cheaper meat has led to mass imports from places like South America, where great swathes of rainforest are burned to the ground to provide land for grazing and for growing fodder crops.  Most of the cut flowers bought in Britain's supermarkets are produced, again, in South America and also in South Africa where labourers work very long hours for little pay whilst being exposed to unpleasant cocktails of plant preservatives and pesticides, needed to ensure that the blooms reach their destinations, thousands of miles away, looking fresh and healthy.  Many of these chemicals are banned in the US because of their high levels of toxicity.  Unsurprisingly, workers are prone to respiratory and dermatological problems.

There are numerous other examples of how our lust for cheaper and cheaper goods depends of the exploitation of the world's resources and its poorest people: think 'sweat shops', mining of coltan for mobile phone components, oil.  It doesn't seem to matter who or what we trample on in the process, just as long as we are able to sustain our comfortable, consumerist lifestyles.

But the truth is, we can't escape from the fact that climate change is all part and parcel of this lifestyle.  We want to be able to go anywhere, do anything, whenever we want, with little regards for the limited fuel reserves we are draining so rapidly.  We want a plethora of goods, many of them non-essential, all of which use up precious raw materials and in the process require fossil fuels to be burned.  We cut down forests, the so-called 'lungs of the planet' to make way for buildings, roads and, as already mentioned, to indulge our insatiable appetite for cheap meat.

As a result of global warming, we are seeing changes in weather patterns and consequently, agricultural output: devastating for individuals, communities and nations who's livelihoods depend on it.  Glaciers are retreating, sea ice is melting, sea levels are rising and freak weather events are on the increase, none of which are without their human casualties.

So, what should the Christian response to this be?  In America, there is a belief among some Evangelical Christians that Jesus' second coming is almost upon us and that the end of the world is nigh. As such, they claim that there is no point trying to reverse the effect of climate change or to adopt more ecologically friendly lifestyles.  This bothers me for several reasons.  Firstly, Jesus has made it quite clear that only God know the exact details of his second coming.  We know that he will come like a 'thief in the night' and that we are to be ready for him when he does.

Secondly, this belief implies that God created humans merely to live as parasites on the Earth, consuming it's limited resources and living to satisfy their own desires.  This selfish existence is completely at odds with the Christian doctrine that humans are called to be imitators of God, the creator of the world, who brought humankind into being, remained faithful to them even when they went astray and, out of his great love and grace, reached down to them and gave them a way out of their doomed situation, giving up his only beloved son for them.  God created humans, not to plunder the Earth but to look after it on his behalf, just as he looks after them.  We are his partners in creation.  One of the great promises Christians have is that they will one day stand before God and be rewarded for the work they have done for him.  How incredible it will be to hear our loving father say to us, “Well done, good and faithful servants”.  I want to make it clear here that I'm am not claiming that we need to do good works in order to achieve our salvation.  The Bible makes it very clear that salvation is given to those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.  What I am asking is whether we can really claim to love God wholeheartedly if we continue to live lives that have so little regard for the world he created.

Thirdly, the belief stated by those American evangelicals seems to ignore the consequences that climate change has on other people.  When asked which is the greatest commandment, Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your mind and love your neighbour as yourself”.  In his book, 'God has a Dream', Desmond Tutu explains that liking someone is a feeling but loving someone is an action.  You have no control over your feelings but you do have control over your actions.  You may not know the people on the other side of the world whose lives are being blighted by the effects of climate change, you may not feel more than a passing sadness or sympathy for them (although you can ask God to give you a heart for them) but, you can choose to love them and, you can choose to do something to show that love.  Choosing to adopt a more sustainable way of life would be a good start.

Fourthly, I am concerned about what this attitude actually does to us as individuals if we take this casual viewpoint.  By choosing to continue with our consumerist lifestyles and ignoring the plight of our world and the other people in it, we do damage to ourselves.  I find this quote from C.S. Lewis' 'Mere Christianity' helpful in explaining what I mean by this:

'People often think of Christian morality as a kind of bargain in which God says, "If you keep a lot of rules I'll reward you, and if you don't I'll do the other thing." I do not think that is the best way of looking at it. I would much rather say that every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself.
To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.'

Choices which favour satisfying our own thoughts and desires, turn us towards C.S. Lewis' 'hellish creature' which will experience no peace of joy or delight in God's presence.  The more we indulge this side of our nature, the harder it is to turn back.  By saying things like 'die to self, take up your cross and follow me and love your neighbour', Jesus makes it very clear what sort of character we should be transforming into if we are to become a 'heavenly creature'.  God wants us to be Christ like, loving each other sacrificially.  Why does he want that? Because he know that this is what's best for us.  He knows just how beautiful we will be when this process of transformation is finally complete.

Finally, there is one further aspect of our relationship to the natural world that I would like to explore: the apparent link that exists between our interaction with creation and our health and fulfilment. I believe that, as well as creating us to protect and nurture the earth and calling us to love one another, God also created us to be intimately connected with his creation for our own well-being.  Having worked in the field of Horticultural Therapy, I have experienced first hand, the rejuvenating power to be gained from working the land.  I have had the pleasure to meet many people who's lives have been transformed from utter despair and hopelessness to joy and excitement about the future through gardening and other outdoor activities.  Other advocates for this form of therapy include the Gardener's World presenter, Monty Don, who himself has found relief from depression through gardening and Rosie Boycott, mentioned earlier, who understood the major role the natural world played in her recovery after a car accident left one of her legs shattered and at risk of amputation.  Around the country, many projects have been established to help people in need  through similar experiences.

Personal Applications

None of us is perfect, I know I'm not and I'm certainly not claiming to have got all this sussed out but do I know that I'm being challenged to consider the choices I make on a day to day basis in the light of the knock on effects they have.

My husband and I are currently in the process of relocating to rural Gloucestershire and so are being given a fantastic opportunity to consider how we can really adopt a more sustainable lifestyle there.  Having a patch of land and growing vegetables seems an obvious first step, as does keeping a few chickens and, maybe one day, even some other animals as well.  However, there's something about this that still seems too insular, too self focused.  It would be very easy for us to shut ourselves away and live only to provide for ourselves.  I don't think this is what God intends.  He created humans to be in fellowship with other people.  He gives us different gifts with which to build others up.  Only by spending time with others, sharing our gifts with them and building relationships with them can we all truly start to become the people God wants us to be.  A truly sustainable lifestyle requires one to be part of a community: to be in fellowship with other people.  But there's more; Jesus calls us to reach out to those who are marginalised – “the unlovables”, to extend to them the same grace that God has bestowed on us.  A truly sustainable lifestyle, therefore, requires one to be part of a community that is growing, that reaches out in love to those in need, that welcomes them in and that enables them to become everything God intends them to be.  I know it will take hard work, we'll have to accept that we can't have things as easily or as quickly as we'd like them and we'll have to be prepared to compromise so that we can all get along peacefully.  Easier said than done! Only time will tell whether this is God's plan for us but if it is and if we remain faithful to him and seek to bring him all the glory then I know that he will provide for us in every way we can imagine and more.

In conclusion, I'm not advocating that everyone give up their lives and start a community smallholding- that's just what I'd like to do. I would, however, like to encourage you to join me in trying to adopt a more sustainable lifestyle and in particular, I would urge you to try growing a few fruit and veg.  Having lived above shops for the past 6 years, with only a small roof terrace for growing space, I can testify to the fact that, growing your own is possible even in the smallest of spaces.  Make the most of the time, talents and resources God has blessed you with. After all, one day, we will all be called before him.  And won't it be fantastic to hear him say, “Well done good and faithful servant”.

A Mothers Love

So Wilma is among my hero's. I asked her recently if she would write a guest blog. She very kindly obliged.

My name is Wilma , I am 51 years old. I never got to higher education, to sit degrees, I am the average 5 o' levels with c passes and plenty of training in the jobs that I have had in the past. I have worked in offices (many years ago) , I have been a shop assistant. I have have modules in N.V.Q 1,2,3. in care, I have worked as chalet maid in hotels, done voluntary work in two day centres for the elderly and still I have not listed all the work I have done..... But nothing could have equiped me for the job I have had in the past 10 years.....  So be kind and let me try to tell you all about being a Carer for my daughter who has a Mental Illness Diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia.

It all started ten years ago when my daughter Carly and I were walking in Highbury Grange on a sunny day,  my day off from work as I had to work saturdays then, we both did. "Something is wrong mum " said Carly. A feeling of shock went through me, coming from a teenager of 19 nearly 20 years of age, well you can guess what I thought. Carly continued,  "My head mum, something is happening inside my head, it is making me so scared. I have been to the doctor and made an appointment to speak to a Psychologist and been given medicine to take."

That's when my whole life started to crumble apart slowly as the weeks went by watching my girl struggle to cope with Mental Illness. Carly tried so hard, going to college one day a week and working the other 5 days in a Hairdressing Salon. Completing and passing her NVQ in Hairdressing was a huge achievement considering how ill she really was. It was also the time when her illness was becoming so severe, several months later I got a phone call from Carly's boss, to come and take her home, she was in floods of tears and couldn't go on any more at work.

Many diagnosis's later, and many years of visiting my daughter in Mental Health Hospitals and a Women's Prison my daughter was put on the right medication for her Paranoid Schizophrenia. Court case after court case, tribunal after tribunal I finally have my daughter at home again and slowly getting back a daughter, someone I used to know.   Thanks to the right medication and love and support. Many friends disappeared from our lives completely and family too busy with their own lives, is often a common story that you will hear from Carers of loved ones who have Mentall Illness. They are made feel unworthy of a pittance of an allowance from the government , Mr Cameron himself stated in one of the news papers Carers were" ponces ", when infact it is him keeping Carers on the breadline (while they save the government millions) and allocates Carers a 55:55 pounds for a 38 hour week, allowance, that works out to be worth 20:00 quid a week more than being unemployed.

Drawing nearer to my God in praying with New River Baptist Church through every situation, handing it back into God's hands to deal with and finding comfort in the Word, while reading passages in the bible has kept me strong, to keep going until my daughter got released from hospital.

It has been a wonderful year having Carly back home and better in health , but 1 out of ten years is only the start of our 'NEW BEGINNING'

by Wilma x