I'm 32, a father of three and a reasonable husband.
At the age of around 12 I was introduced to the idea of masturbation in the changing rooms at school. In that boys-only world it was discussed and normalised, and then came the porn, a page 3 smuggled in, a magazine, it was the early 90's we hadn't dreamed of the net yet.
The quest of the boys was sexual experience, getting a girl to let you... Or do something to you. Love and romance was kind of involved, but basically it was about experience that made you cool, a man etc.
Also the experience had to be with an attractive girl, it didn't count as much if she was ugly. We hear worries about children being indoctrinated by religion or atheism or politics, but no one seems to care how views on sexuality are indoctrinated.
At 16 I became a disciple of Jesus, I chose to follow him, and whilst I wasn't truly discipled until a fair while later I learnt that sex was a bad thing before marriage, so as a typical Christian teen I drew a line. I put intercourse out of bounds and did everything but. Teen experimentation of alcohol, sex etc. purely harmless..? I was out for what I could get, females were a commodity to be exploited. But also there was an idealism; if I could get that one perfect girl to love me, to want to be with me, then that would make me complete.
So women in two categories, to be used or idolised.
I was growing up, so was the world, but I left the developed world and did a year out in Swaziland and whilst there I managed to find someone who would let me be physical with her, but for the first time it felt abusive, I was convicted that this wasn't good. This was also the first time I ever spent time without being subjected to TV, advertising and media, this may be a coincidence. I stopped masturbating that year.
From Swaziland to bible college, or bridal college, this rarified Christian world, full of judgements and rules (and where I was taught and lead and discipled and dealt with a lot of crap and fell in love with God again). A world where one aim was marriage, and fast, because we needed sex now! After two years I was one of three single guys in my year and the youngest by a decade. I did two things, found Internet porn and grabbed the nearest single girl I could find.
Back into the destructive cycle. I nearly married a girl who I didn't love and didn't respect or treat well, because I had to get married. I was in an accountability group, 3 guys who were like brothers to each other, but who response to masturbation was "don't do it!" Those guys did save me from a horribly bad marriage, and only then did I start a road to freedom.
In that moment of clarity where I ended the relationship and walked away I was given 20:20 vision. I saw the desperation for marriage for what it was, I saw that everyone chasing this was lacking a true sense of self and real relationship with a loving God. I relaxed, I walked away from the porn and the destructive need for a relationship and stopped looking at girls to complete me and answer my questions.
I didn't want sex or a relationship, no longer objectifying women, I thought I was free. But I'd only escaped the symptoms, not diagnosed the cause.
I went 6 months without looking at a girl as anything other than a sister or a friend. And then she walked in, a woman walked in and I couldn't stop my heart beating faster. I was gutted, my celibate, free life was undermined. I was so angry with her, how could she do this to me! I avoided her for 48 hours until I joined a common room conversation and we fell into a deep discussion, at 4am the conversation ended and I was in love. It took a couple of months before she felt the same way, but here I was. Free happy, on my way to marriage and freedom, sorted.
But whilst this was the second best thing that ever happened to me, I was still a mess. Now being stuck at a desk with a PC in a private room, with a sex life opened up and a wonderful wife who couldn't and shouldn't be the answer to all my questions of self I was through the looking glass and scared.
Big questions faced me, what could I achieve? could I provide? would I succeed? Life loomed large as I was ordained as a curate and started work, took on responsibility, had a father diagnosed with cancer and became a dad.
Porn was a constant backdrop, use, repentance, abstinence became a cycle. Telling virtually no one. Once opening up to my wife, being forgiven and then not being able to tell again when I fell back into the cycle.
Then I met a mentor, a great man, who was able to publicly name himself a porn-addict and who lived in a world of accountability. A spiritual father who I opened up to and had some answers. Who pointed me in the direction of answers to my brokenness, in a God who wanted to be my father, a God who was good and a healing that could really work. I applied accountability to my life, if I fell I would be caught.
But the Internet space race meant I found ways round it all. A huge personal disappointment meant I lost the freedom i had found and then plunged back in, I went deeper and worse, nearly lost my marriage.
I moved to become vicar of a new parish, with a baby son and bit off way more than I could chew. I became radical about my faith, lived it rather than talking it. In the course of this we fasted all physical pleasures for a month. I mean everything, we ate the plainest food, watched no screens, read no books, no sex, no games, no nothing. Just God to find pleasure in and verbal intercourse. It was amazing, God was so real, but an exhausting volcano was building towards eruption in my soul, all the inner sickness that lead to me need for and use of porn was on the rack and it needed to be killed or set free.
I arrived at a Christian conference in a different nation. And God undid me, I lay on the floor of a church for hours on end as he healed me. I had been working through issues with my father, walking some very hard yards with a dad who was slowly dying, and then I allowed my heavenly father in, to do heart surgery, to undo the hurts of my adolescence, to free me from the tyranny of the lies that I had been taught:
That women were a commodity,
That I needed to be sexually experienced to have self worth
That the amount my wife made love to me and the variety of it made me a man.
That I needed to succeed for God to like me.
That I God was in a bad mood with me and I needed to hide things from Him.
And many more.
I was free and full of bliss, with accountability and the weaponry to pull apart the bastion of lies that invade a man in our culture, I was free.
My marriage was pure bliss, I was living in heaven.
Then my father died.
This man I loved didn't make it, he let me down, God let me down and suddenly I was the
messed up little boy again, and again The addict went back to his cycle.
I now knew that brain needs an addict to get a bigger hit, so either you need to find a way into harder stuff or to live in a cycle of indulgence and denial. Abstinence makes the brain grow fonder, the serotonin hit more pleasurable, the downer more worth it. The cycle now included openness and repentance, my wife involved. But the cycle was back.
But now two years after my Dad died, I'm free.
One thing didn't do it, a combination did.
1. Women, I embraced female friendship. Sexless brotherly friendships.
2. I read and sought help, went through forgiveness and retrained my eyes not to look at a women in objectification. (Illusions of intimacy by Bodishbaugh)
3. I read an article, Article written by a porn "star", on the horrific abuse that was her daily existence, the tearing of her insides, both physically and emotionally and I couldn't stand to look at abused women as sex objects any more.
4. The lies of the porn industry were exposed by the Holy Spirit, I saw abuse as abuse, rape as rape, objectification as objectification, suddenly this was a justice issue.
5. I got free of guilt, Jesus had taken all my guilt, so I had none. Repentance became about identifying lies and overcoming, there was contrition, but not guilt, the addictscycle was broken.
6. Most importantly I realised I couldn't overcome my addiction, it was Impossible by human effort. I'd just replace one addiction with another. That the gospel of Jesus was not about anything but His work in me. That I could do all things in His strength if I stayed plugged into Him, if I surrendered to His work on my behalf, in Jesus on the cross, in Holy Spirit within and a Dad God who would welcome me to work my crap out on His knee.
7. Also I started to free myself of accountability software, this had helped with the physical addiction, but perpetuated the mental one. Accountability to true friends with no holds barred, who call out the greatness in me and know that Jesus Christ in me is the hope of glory has released me.
How do I know I'm free?
I've walked through, pain, disappointment, tiredness and distance from God and not fallen into my addiction. I've laughed at the idea and been revolted by the exploitation.
And I am free of the weight on my soul.
But I do have a burden, I have two small boys and a tiny daughter and I will fight and die to protect them from having to walk the road their father did.
Dave Hammond is a vicar in Nottingham and can be found on twitter at @DaveSavious
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