I can't believe I forgot this one on my post about words I don't like maybe because I get told I'm ridiculous every time I gently question its usage. I got an email today informing me that an event I was enquiring about was for ladies only. I cringed.
So I'm really sorry if this offends anyone (actually I know it will so I want you to know that I do this because I believe it brings greater liberation to women - and transformation is painful) but I have to spell some things out because I am offended by the word Ladies and so are many other's and if the church wants to be an inclusive and welcoming place it needs to drop this language.
I have no empirical data for this but I feel that there is sometimes an extra over-usage of this word in Christian literature/ events that are about women's equal ability to lead in church. I wonder if its one of the manifestations of our insecurities? We have to continually refer to ourselves as ladies just to make sure everyone's clear that we're still all floral and feminine as we step up into the full humanity Christ offers us.
I'm assuming this use of the word Ladies is in ignorance of it's history and the passionate advocacy of that great Christian Feminists like Josephine Butler who fought to expose double standards in morality.
So a brief summary of why we shouldn't use it:
1.) It's used to police women's behaviours
If your a woman can you remember being told to be ladylike when you where little? Or told not to do something because it wasn't ladylike? I think I've proved my point.
2.) It's used to remind women they are the property of men.
3.) It is something other people assign to you and can strip from you. It is not about your own sense of personhood. This point was most powerfully driven home to me when I was at a women's group and heard a woman respond with much pain at being called a lady. She had clearly been told by others that she had not met the mark and was not a lady.
4.) I guess linked to the above but it's classist.
5.) It is and has been used to divide women against each other
6.) Much like princess, ladies don't do anything.
7.) It holds us to a demanding moral code not the freedom of grace
8.) God never calls us lady
Someone sent me the link it's fab (http://www.vfa.us/Feminist%20Language.htm) but my two favourite quotes:
"Girls do what their mothers tell them. Ladies do what society tells them. Women make up their own minds" (Karen Kijewski, 1989).
And most importantly for the church:
"There is a difference between women and ladies. The modern parasites made ladies, but God Almighty made women" (Mother Jones, 1912)
Please do not refer to me as a lady.
I dont know but I like being called "lady" and I call the women in my Bible study group "ladies" as a term of affection. We were called "ladies" at school from the age of 11. I have no traumas connected with the experience. I think it made us behave better - which is not a negative thing. I think it gives dignity and status and does not in any way connotate that I am the property of a man - I dont know where that idea came from. In fact I think the word woman does that much more (I have nothing against that word either - it sounds rich and full, I love being a woman and a lady). Janet Tuskan
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts Janet,
ReplyDeleteI know a lot of people like this word which is why I had to apologise before I said anything! I too don't have any particular personal trauma's connected with the word, being from a very privileged background, but I've met other women who have as I said. Also I take your point it is no bad thing to behave well but should this be the way we express our gender? Should we behave well as children because we're girls or because we're human?
Words can have different meanings in different contexts and we don't get to control the meaning words pick up. Yes in many places when its used it has no connotations of male ownership but that is where it started from.
It does indeed seem in many instances to give dignity and status because its other usage is as a title. The question is why doesn't the word woman?
Words are so different in different contexts and will mean different things to all those who hear them. I am just trying to highlight what some people hear when they hear Lady and why.
Thanks again for your thoughts and for reading and commenting on my blog - I'm very grateful for that.
Jenny
I've never understood why people don't like the term 'lady' and you've just help explain it to me - thank you! I've never minded it as I just don't attach anything negative to it. That said, it has always driven me mad whenever someone (usually my mum!) has said, 'Don't do that, it's not ladylike!' I sometimes use the term, but only because I think it's a nicer sounding word than 'woman'. Thank you for making me think about it more carefully.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Claire glad you enjoyed the blog. I think your comment it's a nicer sounding word than 'woman'sums up a lot of peoples issues with the word lady. Somehow using the ladies imply a negative value on the word woman which I don't think is the case for gentleman and man.
ReplyDeleteHey - thanks for sending this link to me :) Interesting post - one that I will have to think through. I personally prefer the term ladies over women - but have no idea where that preference came from. Strange the things we pick up that we are comfortable using until someone points out a different thought about it.
ReplyDeleteDoes it really remind women they are mens' property? I would have thought the term 'woman' would be more closely linked to man - especially when we consider Gen 2.
What do you mean when you say -much like princess, ladies don't do anything? (Point 6)
Like I said - thinking these things through - and still not convinced it is as derogatory as you say - but happy to try to avoid using it when I know it will offend.
Thanks for posting - was good to read your thoughts :)
Thanks Jo,
ReplyDeleteMy reference to Ladies doing nothing is that this historically was what distinguished ladies from women. Ladies where those women who did not work, were genteel, had soft hands etc. There is some argument that the restrictive clothing these women wore was partly about symbolising just that - that they couldn't clean, work etc.
I'm not sure I would say ladies was derogatory in the same sense that other words clearly are. It is not generally used as a put down but as a compliment - and that's my problem.
Most people associate lady with behaviours not anatomy. One woman being a lady necessitates at least the possibility of other women not being and it therefore pits us against each other.
Your reference to genesis 2 is interesting, I always read Adam's 'love poem' as very egalitarian. The first thing he says of Eve recognises her sameness and equality. It celebrates her humanity and her sameness. My question is in complimenting a woman for being a lady are we celebrating 'otherness'.
To be honest I knew when I wrote this post most people would disagree with me, but I thought it would be fun to get a discussion going. In the scheme of things - there are bigger fish to fry. Many young women are being described as 'links' or 'wifees',that's a much bigger problem (though not unconnected).
Thanks again for your comments.
Jen x
I have no aversion to the word "lady" per se, other than the fact that it is usually used in a condescending manner (usually followed by a sheepish but patronising apology). To me, the term lady is equivalent to gentlemen (with the same upper class historical meanings) and should be used as such - we wouldn't say "Gentlemen's prayer breakfast" - so why say "Ladies group". Following the same, argument, I'd have absolutely no issue in saying "I'm going for a beer with the boys/girls".
ReplyDelete